


break down all of our walls

by quietcabeswater



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Panic Attack, all the feels, i don't know how to tag help, nothing like a near death experience to bring together a couple right?, starts right after s4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 02:41:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13180677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietcabeswater/pseuds/quietcabeswater
Summary: "No it’ll be okay’s or counting could have prepared him for the shock of seeing Keith for the first time after... He couldn’t bring himself to even think it."Lance is shaken up after the events in season 4 finale, when Keith comes back, he feels like there is something he should do, or say.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> so I absolutely suck at tagging and writing summaries (pray for me) but bear with me, I'll get better (hopefully). anyways, I needed to get this out of my system so here we are, let's watch these boys making sense of their feelings.
> 
> (title from zayn's bordersz, i've been listening to it on repeat for days rip me)

_One, two, three..._ the tiles on the floor were bright enough to hold his attention. _Thirty-two, thirty-three..._ He wasn’t sure how much time has passed since things had quieted down and the situation had gotten (arguably) under control. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. _Fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine..._ He began to lose focus, although it was surprising he had managed to concentrate for that long as it was, he was known for having the attention span of a five-year old. The counting usually worked, it was a coping mechanism his mother had taught him to use when he had panic attacks. Now, however, his mind was spinning too fast, and the quiet, deep ache in his chest was too unbearable to ignore.

“They’ll be here in five doboshes according to my calculations”, he heard Pidge tell Shiro. “Hunk, I need help with the automatic doors, they’re not functioning properly since-“. The rest of the conversation got over his head and Lance was so tired and so shaken up, that he didn’t have the energy to follow anything of what was going on around him. He just wanted to see Keith.

He could’ve sworn that Shiro had asked him something a few moments before but he wasn’t sure whether it actually happened or his mind was playing tricks on him again. He took deep breaths and tried to stay steady on his feet. The floor under his feet felt like quicksand. _It will be okay, he is okay now, you are all okay now, it will be fine,_ he kept thinking. The atmosphere in the room became suddenly more charged and the noise grew louder. _He’s here._

No _it’ll be okay’s_ or counting could have prepared him for the shock of seeing Keith for the first time after... He couldn’t bring himself to even think it. A kind of excruciating physical pain pierced his heart as he took in the cuts and bruises on Keith's pale skin. He felt nauseated. _One, two, three, four..._ he stopped counting the marks on Keith’s face when he felt his gaze on him.

Time was moving so fast, so out of his control, he felt like a puzzle with pieces missing all around, or a wall with holes, he felt as if he were about to tumble down. Apparently everyone had greeted Keith and now they were all staring at him. _He’s here!_ It took him three steps to get to Keith who was still watching him with an unreadable expression. He didn’t register the next moments either. It was as if his mind was blacking out, then coming to again.

The next thing he knew, Keith was pressed tightly against his body, his head cradled against Lance’s neck, his ragged breathing warm against Lance’s skin, arms around Lance’s waist. It took him a tick to convince himself that he wasn’t dreaming, that it was all real, that Keith was _right there._ He buried his hands in his hair, desperate for any physical contact he could get. He felt grounded, and so much lighter, it was as if a whole planet was taken off his shoulders, and time seemed to take its normal course again. _Please don’t take this moment from me._

“I’m glad you’re here, man”, he managed, and he meant it, so much that he would’ve done absolutely anything for Keith to never leave his side. And he wanted to say so much more than that. The words kept swimming in his head, driving him crazy, tangling with each other like Christmas lights, in endless impossible knots. Someone cleared their throat and Lance let go of Keith, feeling suddenly cold from the lack of contact. He did not make any move to put more distance between them, but instead said “You should get some rest.”

Keith looked up with a faint smile, and his cheeks turned a pretty shade of pink as he said “Right back at you.” Then, he patted Lance awkwardly on the back and followed Coran out of the room, leaving the Paladins and Allura to attend to the Blade members that had arrived with Keith. They had so much work to do, and so much to fix. Lance allowed himself a moment to recollect, there would be time for all of that, now he desperately needed a moment of peace.


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next part is up. i promise the last one is going to be all fluff, sickeningly sweet, no more angst, they've been through enough

Lance found himself wandering the halls in the western area of the Castle, where it was usually quiet. He needed to get away from all the commotion and the mess. His skin was still crawling but his vision was no longer blurred, and his hands had stopped shaking at some point during the walk. He felt tired but knew he would not be able to fall asleep as his mind was still racing with the day’s events. He shuddered then took a deep breath; he needed to recover before the others started getting worried. He was used to scheduling his panic attacks, no matter how unhealthy his conscience told him that was. He usually waited until he was back in his room, away from people and their pitying looks, and only then did he allow himself to let it all out, the fear, the pain, the hopelessness.

“Hey” Keith’s voice was almost a whisper but in the complete silence of the hall Lance was still startled. He turned, composing himself and trying to offer Keith a small smile. How had he not heard his footfalls? How long ago had Keith started following him? He was relieved once again to see him in flesh and bone, alive and well in front of him, but along with that came the guilt. He had tried so hard to repress it, to convince himself that there was nothing he could’ve done to avoid what had been about to happen just a few vargas before. Except that wasn’t the truth. It was deep set in his bones, the awareness that he could have changed something, could have said _something_.

“Hey there”, he greeted Keith back and waited for him to catch up. He had time to take a proper look at him, now that they were alone, that his mind was clearer, now that the painful first meeting was done with. Keith had taken a shower and all the blood had been washed off. The cuts on his face were stitched and Lance assumed he had received more medical attention. If only the emotional bruises could be treated like that. Keith looked tired and pale in the dim light, with circles under his eyes and hollow cheeks. But he also looked kind of soft, with a twinkle in his eyes and his black hair recently washed and fluffy. He was dressed comfortably and had a bathrobe on his shoulders. He was incredibly pretty, Lance noticed for the millionth time.

“Why aren’t you in a pod?” asked Lance, without really meaning to. It came out wrong, and it was not the best choice of first words to say in a situation like that. Keith tried to mask the hurt, or he didn’t have enough energy to argue with Lance right then.

“That’s how bad I look?”

“No.” Lance answered in a heartbeat, realizing his mistake. “I meant to ask, how are you feeling? It’s not... if you’re not in a pod right now I assume you’ll... be fine?” It sounded more like a question, he wanted to make sure Keith was okay but he didn’t want to pressure him into talking about his near-death experience so soon. He knew Keith needed time to heal and most probably had had to deal with a huge load of questions like “Are you ok?” and “What happened?” He wanted so badly to make everything right, his heart ached.

“Well, yeah, that, and others need those pods more than I do, anyway” Keith shrugged, his features having rearranged into a more relaxed look. How could have Lance ever thought that this boy in front of him was anything but selfless and kind? He wanted to hug him right there. Instead, he said “Yeah, you’re probably right”. Silence stretched between them as they walked down the hall, and Lance wanted to say so much to him, his chest was bubbling with words but he couldn’t put them into sentences. He felt Keith’s eyes on his face a few times and whenever the other boy moved his head, Lance got a whiff of flower scented shampoo. It smelled like Keith. He had missed this, had missed _him._

When he could not bear it anymore, he came to a halt. Keith was watching him with a confused gaze, brow slightly furrowed. “Is something wrong?” he asked. And was it? Lance regretted his decision for a second, but there was no turning back now, he searched for the right words but they never came. Panic was surging up in his mind again, and Keith was watching expectantly.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, I...” Lance finally said, voice cracking. Now Keith had an alarmed expression, his mouth slightly parted in confusion. He let Lance continue, did not pressure him, which Lance was extremely grateful for, but moved a step closer. “When I saw, when you, when you were out there, you just... you could've...” Lance tried, stammering. “Who does that?” he asked softly. “Don't you know, how much I... You're needed, Keith and no matter what you'll always be part of team Voltron.”

He did not allow himself to look at the other boy now, he needed to get it all out before it consumed him, before something else bad happened, before it was too late. “I’m sorry that I never told you, that I... we can't, we can't live without you, you belong with us and if you... You don't know how much you mean to us and I never told you, I never told you I... need you, okay?”

He didn’t want anything else in the Universe except to feel the weight of Keith’s body against his own again, to feel that he was real, that he was alive. His heart was begging for it, his whole being was screaming at him to move, to do _something_. He only had time to cast a quick glance at Keith before Shiro’s voice appeared down the hall. “Guys, what are you doing here? You need to get some rest.”

He met Keith’s eyes for a moment, they were watery and wide with surprise, so clear and so beautiful, that he wanted to kiss them. But he knew Shiro was right and although he craved to know if Keith would forgive him or not, he averted his gaze and said “You guys go ahead, I have to do something first”. He didn’t look up until they were gone, then propped himself on the wall and closed his eyes. He could wait until the next day.

 


	3. III

Lance lost count of how many times he had replayed the conversation in his head. Bits and pieces began to jumble up, facts and thoughts intertwining until the line between what he had wanted to say and what he actually said vanished. _Did I tell him I care about him?_ He tried to remember what version of the confession he had told Keith. He had had many, although they all burned down to the same meaning. Was there really any difference between them? His mind seemed louder in the silence of the room.

A soft knock on the door brought him back to reality and he staggered towards it. He ran a hand over his face before opening it, he felt tired, the few moments he had managed to sleep were not enough. The sight of Keith knocked him off his feet and the air in the room was suddenly not enough to fill his lungs. His heart was pounding like a stereo at the base of his throat as he stared at the beautiful boy in front of him. Keith scratched his head nervously, it was clear it had not been easy to make the decision of knocking at Lance’s door. He looked almost uncomfortable, and there was something else about him that Lance couldn’t put his finger on. Something was different, although not foreign. He had caught a glimpse of it earlier, when Keith found him in the hall, and after the hug.

“I couldn’t sleep” Keith spoke first, blood rushing to his face. “And I wanted to, you know, talk”, he continued, breathlessly. Lance beckoned him in and offered an encouraging smile. He felt light-headed and hopeful. Don’t have high expectations, he scolded himself afterwards. “You didn’t have to apologize” Keith said slowly, measuring his words carefully. He was still standing in the middle of the room, with his arms wrapped around himself, like a shield. He wouldn’t meet Lance’s eyes.

“I feel like I do, though. It’s not like I’ve...” he paused, tasting the bitterness of the words once again before letting them out in the open, it still hurt, even though he knew it was the truth. “I know I didn’t make it easier for you here and that is what I want to apologize for, you know. I just, don’t really know how to talk to you and it seemed easier to just, make fun of you and stuff. I don’t know, I’m not good at psychoanalyzing myself.”

At that, Keith snorted, and finally looked up, a sign that a bit of the tension between them had been released. “I bet you don’t even know what that word means.” And they laughed, because it was a familiar feeling, because at the end of the day, this teasing back-and-forth that they did was how they showed their affection, and because they were safe and alive. _He is alive._

“So you do forgive me, right?”

“Of course I forgive you, why are you so obsessed with this?”

“I almost lost you, Keith, and the last thing I said to you was going to be ‘take that, mullet-head’. Don’t laugh, Keith, it’s not funny. I was so scared, you were ready to sacrifice yourself without a second thought as if no one would’ve cared. Well I do, and you should know it.”

Keith was still for a few moments, it looked like he had stopped breathing completely. His face was complicated, there were too many emotions Lance was not used to. He was not used to this side of Keith, but he wanted to, he wanted to discover every part of him and fall for each and every one of them.

Eventually, Keith let his arms fall at his sides and closed the space between them. He wrapped them around Lance’s body instead, and melted into the embrace, sighing contentedly and burying his nose in Lance’s jacket. Lance hold on as tightly as he could, he was never letting go again, never letting Keith go. He remembered Keith hugging himself when he came into the room and tightened his grip, letting the black-haired boy become even smaller in his arms, shielding him from all the evil things in the Universe. It was everything he ever wanted, everything he needed, yet he felt like there was something more he needed to do.

“You know earlier when I said-“

“Wait” Keith unglued himself from Lance’s chest and looked up at him with those brilliant dark eyes. “I can’t understand anything you’re saying when you’re talking into my shoulder”.

“Earlier, what did I say?”

“You’re… going to have to be more specific than that”

“Before Shiro came to get us, I don’t remember what was the last thing I said”.   
A deep shade of red traveled to Keith’s face, he looked conflicted. He was incredibly pretty like that, and knowing that he had managed to bring out this shy, blushing Keith pleased Lance to no end. He still waited for an answer.

“You said ‘I need you’”. It shouldn’t have been possible for someone to turn so red but Keith was living proof. He looked both curious and afraid, and Lance couldn’t blame him. “Why? Is this some kind of trick?”.

“No, I just couldn’t remember. I practiced so many times what to say and it never seems to be enough, like I need you, but I’m not trying to sound selfish, you know, I also care about you, and I like you, but you still annoy me sometimes” he hurried through the last part, although they both knew it was playful teasing. “I wanted to remember because I was afraid I’d said something stupid.”

For a tick, Keith looked downright terrified, and on the verge of tears but he pulled himself together. “It doesn’t matter how you say it, or even if you say it or not. I told you there was nothing you should apologize for, and I meant it. I don’t think knowing this would have changed much, because it’s not about how you, and the others as well, care about me, it’s that _I_ care about _you_. I would have done everything I could to keep you safe.” He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes, as if waiting for a sentence. Lance’s heart was doing a full dance routine, he was once again amazed by how beautiful this boy was, inside and out. So he told him, because he had sworn that he would.

“I’m glad I didn’t die, then.”

“Keeeeeith, that’s dark even for you”.

“But I am glad, though, thank you for… being here for me.” Even the tip of his nose was pink, and Lance felt his own face burning up. This boy was going to be the end of him, with his pretty words, and pretty smile, and pretty eyes and pretty soul. Before Keith had time to push away, he pulled him in close, until their faces were merely inches apart.

“Can I kiss you?” Lance whispered, putting all the longing and fear and awe into the question. Instead of answering, Keith pressed his mouth against his and hummed with relief, and Lance could feel his knees giving in, and his heart restarting, and his wounds healing. _Maybe there is a cure for emotional pain, after all._

When Keith’s lips parted slightly, deepening the kiss, realization dawned on Lance, and he chided himself for not figuring it out earlier. There was something different to Keith. He was more vulnerable. All those times, he had taken his walls down and let Lance see behind them. And he kept doing it. A sudden rush of feelings overcame him, because Keith was trusting him so much, so much more each time. Lance cursed himself for breaking apart. “You know” he said as he kissed Keith again. “I think” he repeated the process, “…I know” he kissed him again. “…what it is” and he kissed him again. “I’m…” he kissed the smile on Keith’s face, “in love with you”.

*  
When Lance opened his eyes, he felt like he had slept for a week. He was even more confused that an arm which was definitely not his was thrown over his chest. Seeing the mop of black, flower-scented hair on the pillow next to him, everything started coming back in waves. He smiled widely and allowed himself a few more moments of peacefulness.

*  
 _One, two, three_ … the freckles on Keith’s face were adorable enough to hold his attention. However, he needed to focus on his boyfriend now, to compensate for the time he’ll have to spend apart. They were still not comfortable enough with PDA so they had said everything they had to vargas before, in the intimate space of Keith’s room.

However, halfway to the door, Keith darted back, pressed a quick peck on Lance’s cheeck and pulled away grinning. Turning Lance into a hot mess was his favorite hobby. “Take care of yourself”

“Yeah, I’ll, I’ll do that. You too!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is it! it's just feelings over feelings with more feelings on top, i needed to write it down or elseni would've gone mad. comments are appreciated ^^


End file.
